I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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