sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
