at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
