Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
