is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
