dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
