My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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