So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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