i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
