Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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