I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
