I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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