I will die if light touches me.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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