I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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