Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
