woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
