Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
