I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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