I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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