made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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