Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She even gives head with a lisp.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
