I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Is this like a preordered booty call?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
