She said her name was "party"
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
