that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
