you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he was CRYING into my vagina
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
