i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Too much gin, very little bucket
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
