Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I party with great urgency now.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
