8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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