Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
