Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm sobbing to NWA
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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