i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
