Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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