while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
