I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
