it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
