I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
