She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
