He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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