had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
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I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
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I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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