Say something about gay babies.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize