Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
