I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
