did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
