You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
