just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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