just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
