i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
