Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
