Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.