My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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