You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not