i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
