I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
