Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
