Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
