I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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