I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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