Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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